


silent storm inside me

by Kayryn



Category: Holby City
Genre: Episode Related, F/F, Gen, Post 21.01, also my first finished fic in just over a year, mostly Serena though, oh and angst and feels, someone give Serena a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 09:55:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kayryn/pseuds/Kayryn
Summary: After three nights and three days at the hospital, the stress and worry finally take their toll on Serena.





	silent storm inside me

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Set after 21.01. I wrote my feels about the ep to Reg in a chat and then told her “I need someone to fic this”. She pointed out that I already had. 
> 
> Title from Silent Storm by Carl Espen.

After three nights and three days Serena was finally on her way home.

She was exhausted, barely able to stand on her own two feet. The physical and emotional toll of the last days was crashing on her, making her body ache, her thoughts muffled. She’d been awake for so many hours she’d lost count long ago. She was tired from running on adrenaline, from trying to keep a clear head to be there for Jason, for Greta, and for baby Guinevere. She was exhausted from being terrified she’d fail them all.

For days, weeks now, Serena had been trying to prepare herself for the second anniversary of Elinor's death. Just two months ago she would not have expected to have to deal with it alone, had thought she’d at least be able to call her partner, talk to her, if nothing else. 

Last year, Serena had been in Nepal, burning incense and meditating her pain away. This year, she was back in Holby and, for all intents and purposes, alone. Yes, Jason was there and her coworkers, and they all helped the best they could. But the one that mattered, the one who was most aware of her pain, of what she’d been through, wasn't there. What made it worse was that Serena was responsible for that, too. 

And so Serena had been bracing herself for those days leading up to January 3. She's been bracing herself for those feelings, trying to be strong enough to handle them mostly on her own and without completely drowning herself in Shiraz. Like her therapist said, alcohol itself wasn’t the problem, but using it to escape her feelings could be. 

Then Greta had been brought in. The sense of deja vu had been so strong for a moment Serena had thought she’d seen Elinor lying on that stretcher. She’d blinked the image away, focusing on Greta. 

The words echoed in her head. Car accident. Head injury. Then, later, further vascular issues. Serena had pushed through all the pain and loss and terror to do the thing only she could. 

Jason was right, Serena did love Greta. But even more than that, she loved Jason and he’d already lost too much. They all had. He trusted her, had told her he knew she wouldn’t let anything happen to Greta. She feared he’d never forgive her if she failed. His words sat on her shoulders during the long operation. She couldn’t let him down. 

She hadn’t. The operation was a success and, with time and therapy, Greta would mend. 

Serena had barely made it to the solitude of her office when she broke down in tears, sobbing out the fear mixed with relief that the past wasn’t repeating itself. The weight lifted, she finally allowed herself to feel. 

There was a knock on the door only a moment later and Serena had to gather herself, push the feelings of the last few days and nights away, shove them somewhere in the closets of her mind, hoping they’d not spill out inadvertently at an inopportune moment. 

Cameron, lost and aimless in the wake of his breakup from Morven, had come to seek Serena’s guidance. So she listened, tried to help. Not just because he was a young doctor needing the advice of a consultant, but it was Cameron. Bernie’s son. 

He said Bernie missed her. Serena wasn’t sure what she could do with that information. It wasn’t surprising, she supposed. She certainly missed Bernie. Constantly. But missing each other, loving each other, had never been the issue. 

Thinking about that now, sitting in her car in her driveway, Serena crossed her arms in front of her, hugging herself. Some people were ripped from you, some you had to let go. Neither loss was easy. 

Serena looked at her front door. It seemed so far away. She was tempted to just close her eyes and fall asleep in the car, now that she’d made it safely home. She needed to sleep. But she also needed to eat. She desperately needed a shower. 

She needed to cry and she didn’t want Mrs. Collins from next door witnessing that. 

It was that and the thought of her own bed and pillow, the weight of her comforter on top of her that finally made Serena drag herself from the car and into her house, the need for familiarity and safety of her home. 

Serena shed her coat, toed off her shoes and dropped her bag on a chair in the hallway. Forcing herself to the kitchen she took out leftovers from the fridge and popped them in the microwave.

The wine bottle on the counter was tempting but left unopened. There was a voice in Serena’s head that whispered a list of all the complications Greta might still face, unlikely as they were. The voice whispered of possibilities of more surgery. Serena wouldn’t touch a drop.

She took her reheated chicken pasta with her and managed to pull herself upstairs, got the bath water going and ate her rather unusual breakfast sitting on her bed. 

Once the bath was ready Serena got in, leaned back and burst into tears. Uncontrollable, heartbreaking sobs shook her body as everything she’d felt over the last three days, last several weeks, finally came pouring out. Too tired to fight against the tears and the emotions, Serena held herself and cried.   


It seemed like ages before the sobbing subsided. Her head ached now. The bath water was tepid. 

Serena got out of the tub, dried herself and dressed in her pajamas. She leaned against a door, willing herself to have the energy to walk to her bed. 

Her phone chimed just then, notifying her of a text message. Serena dreaded reading it, not sure she could take whatever it was. She reminded herself that if it was bad news, the hospital would call her.

She swiped the phone open, stared at the message, uncomprehending. 

_ I still have the key. May I use it to come in? _

Bernie.

Serena was confused. A hundred thoughts and questions were running through her head but she was having a hard time trying to tell them apart. Too tired to try and answer any of them, she just knew one thing. And so she sent back her reply. 

_ Yes. _

A moment later she heard the door opening and closing. Shoes being kicked away. Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard a voice complaining about disorder but the thought never manifest even to an eye roll. 

And just like that, Bernie was there. Leaning against the frame of her bedroom door. The tears welled up again and Serena tried to fight them but couldn’t. She didn’t have any fight left in her.

"Come on," Bernie said softly, closing the distance between them, pulling Serena into a hug. Her arms were strong and steady as she wrapped them around Serena. "It's okay. You did it. She's okay, Serena. They're all okay."

Serena's knees almost gave out. Whether from exhaustion or relief or both, who knows. Bernie helped her over to the bed, laid her down. Shed her own shirt and laid down next to Serena, pulling her close again, holding her, enfolding her in her embrace. "You've been so strong, you've done so well. It's okay, just let go... it's okay, just rest now."

Bernie murmured the words over and over, assuring Serena that everyone would be all right, her family was still together. She’d saved Greta, she’d been there for Jason, she’d looked after her staff. She didn't have to be strong just then. Someone else was there to take care of her.

Questions of how Bernie was still in the country and how she’d known to come over we’re left unasked for the night. Later, there’d be time for Bernie to show Serena the message Cam had sent her, telling his mum to “go to her, she needs you”.

It didn’t take long for Serena to cry herself to an exhausted sleep, assured for the time being that she was safe and that all the important people in her life were as well. 

  
  
  


the end


End file.
